You know the feeling you get when something big in your life is fixing to take place, first day of school, a new job, waiting the arrival of a new baby, or closing on your first home. The feeling of complete nervousness and fear. I have had that feeling several times over the course of my life, the butterflies settle in a couple of days ahead of time and then on the big day I get all the other lovely symptoms like sweaty palms and a pounding heart. And then you start to always think the worst only to hope that the best happens. Yeah, that feeling found it's way back in to my mind and body again this week, I have known for over a week that Parker would be going in today for his first infusion of his new medication Remicade. I kept telling myself it was going to be fine but sure enough a couple of days ago I started with the butterflies which kick started complete fear. The fear of something going wrong or the fact that the medicine might make him sick or the fear that it might be painful I even had myself scared of crazy things like what if I passed out. The only thing that calms my fear is prayer so I have been praying constantly since then. When my alarm went off this morning I just stayed still hoping I was dreaming and that the day was really not here already but then Jackson promptly dug his foot into my back and I jumped up. We rushed around like the dysfunctional family we are in the morning everyone dragging their feet and me freaking out about being late until I noticed that Parker was really quiet, unusually quiet, I asked if everything was o.k. and he replied with a simple nod of his head yes. I instantly realized that I wasn't the only one freaking out inside and like the quick flip of light switch I went frazzled and scared to calm and supportive. I like to call it my mothering under pressure, the kind of calm that to everyone around me it looks like I am in control but don't fool yourselves I've just adapted the great skill of acting. We left the house got the twins drooped off at school and made it to the doctors on time. We had a great appointment with the doctor and had a lot of our questions answered then the nurse came in and placed Parker's I.V. line, that was not exactly a walk in the park for Parker or me I was waiting to see who would pass out first him because of the gallons of blood they took or me because of watching him squirm in pain, but thankfully we survived with nothing more than pale faces. The doctor was so sweet during this time it is like he knew that this was scary for us in fact the entire staff was very comforting and sweet they made you feel like you were their only concern at that point. They led us back to the infusion room which is several reclining chairs for the patients and several hard plastic chairs for their visitors not to mention T.V.'s, games, movies, food, drinks, and even craft projects. It was a nice environment to help keep the kids calm and entertained. Parker sat like a champ in his chair for three hours or so which to anyone who knows him is a true victory in itself. We actually kind of had fun as crazy as that sounds. It is too soon to tell if the medicine will be effective in relieving his pain but the fact that we made it through today is reason to celebrate. We go back in 14 days for another treatment and then again 30 days after that before we settle into the once every 8 week schedule. Thanks to everyone for all of the encouraging words and behind the scene prayers, also a big thanks to the people who have pitched in and helped with the logistics of juggling the other kids, it is you who make it possible for me to do my job.